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Blessed Be His Name

April 13, 2014

May is fast approaching.

“Friends” will tell me to buck up and move on, celebrate and be cheerful.
Directly quoting someone “Stacy, WE ALL KNOW your loss. Can we now see your happiness?  ”

I am insanely happy. Trevor and Hannah are amazing, my husband is my Superman. My life is crazy awesome and blessed.

I have a new life growing inside of me, he is beating the odds. I am 25 weeks and he is ALIVE.

Does that mean I can not grieve for my babies that died not so long ago?

Timothy was born too soon May 5th, it will mark 2 years since we said hello-goodbye.

Daniel was born too soon May 18th, it will be the one year mark since we said hello-goodbye to him.

I think I can still have a hard time.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t cherish my blessings.

Nothing will make the month of May easy for me, so deal with it!! I will. I have to. So let me be sad if I need to. I hate crying, but if I cry, its fine. I am allowed.

I will not tolerate anyone telling me how fast I need to grieve.

 

I was mad at God, angry. Furious. I felt let down and disappointed by Him.

That’s normal.

I am not mad at him anymore.

I have peace and joy.

I have come a crap ton of a long way in this nightmare of a journey and I am doing pretty darn good!!

But I will still have a sad day and if and when it happens I wont feel bad for it any longer.

Just like today…. We did Blessed Be Your Name at church, the song that was done at Timothys memorial. The song still brings me to tears.

I cant control it.

The words have deep meaning for me, the song will forever mean something different to me than it does to everyone else.

“You give and take away, but my heart will choose to say, Lord Blessed be Your name”

“When the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say, Blessed be Your name”

The song got to me today.  Got the ol’ chin quivering and that scarred heart ached.

 

I try to think about how crazy I would be right now had I faced two losses back to back without Jesus.

I would have no hope of Heaven, so hope to see my babies again one day, no peace.

I would have no one to carry me through my grief.

I would be a basketcase.

I would be lost.

He has forever changed me, He has never left me, even when I was so angry. He never gave up on me.

Just remember in your hard days to be real with Him, he knows your heart anyways.
Be real with Him and He will help you get back on the right path to Him.

 

 

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From → Baby Loss

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