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Pregnancy After Loss

January 11, 2014

I have been pregnant after a loss a few times now. Let me just say it does not get any easier. The thing is, with Ryley, I started bleeding horribly at 9 weeks until he died at 13 weeks. So when I was pregnant with Trevor I was always worried that I would start bleeding again.
Then I got pregnant with Hannah right away almost and I let me guard down a little bit more.
Then we waited five years and got pregnant with Timothy and my guard was down. I didn’t think I would have another loss. The little guy just died. No bleeding, no cramping, nothing to alert me that he was gone. So when I got pregnant with Daniel the fear and anxiety consumed me. I didn’t have bleeding to look for. Sometimes my babies just die quietly apparently. Then at his 16 week appointment, the doctor told us that he did the same thing as Timothy. Just left us. Quietly. He was here and then gone so fast.

So, how can I sit here and have peace. I am 11 weeks 6 days pregnant after two looses in a row and I have peace. Now listen … not saying I have peace that everything will work out fine. That would be ignorant. My body is flawed. Don’t tell me it’s not. An unflawed body wouldn’t lost three babies. My body is flawed and I have accepted that. So I don’t know when I will get to hold this baby. I have peace that however this turns out, Matthew and I will band together and hold Trevor and Hannah even tighter and get through life. I pray daily that we will be holding a healthy newborn at the end of July. I cry and I beg God. Daily. But He knows that I will survive no matter what and therein lies the peace.

So yes I worry about this baby, I have horrible anxiety, I fear, I stress, I have little panic attacks before I go to the doctor. I can’t help it. But what balances it all out is His beautiful peace.

One Comment
  1. Losing a baby is so hard, I can totally understand how you feel. Good luck with this. Pregnancy.

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