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Seeing God Move in Trials

November 19, 2013

How have I seen God work in my life…..more specifically my trials.


When I was 15 my grandpa died. I was crushed. It shook my world. I had been consumed with drugs and partying. I was skipping school, I was severely depressed and at one point I didn’t care if I lived or died. Through my grandpas death, I came to church, his pastor PREACHED at his funeral and the next Sunday on, I never missed a week of church and eventually got off the drugs and got my life right, God used my grandpas death to bring me to Him.

In 2004 we delivered our son Ryley born still at home. He was this perfect little boy. He was so so perfect. That was the first time I ever felt like I was going to die from a broken heart. God used my loss to use me to show God’s love to other hurting mommas. I joined so many forums online and just shared Him all over. I sent Bibles to women with helpful verses highlights. Even in my anger I still tried to just glorify Him. There was one point I was so distraught and just cried out to God……. I just needed to feel His peace, to feel His arms around me and at that moment my heart stilled, a wave washed over me, I felt His arms literally holding me and peace flooded my soul. I speak of that moment often to hurting mommas. I pray for them to have the same moment.
May of 2004 I had a cancer scare that shook my world again. Hearing the C word is enough to kick your feet out from under you. Turned out to be an autoimmune disease and not cancer. Now with 1/3 of a thyroid, I began to heal physical wounds while still trying to heal the emotional ones…. But I was able to connect with other women that suffered from the same issues. I joined a new community of people.

In 2005 and 2006 I delivered Trevor and Hannah, I got to witness God give me two MIRACLES. I never would have pictured losing more babies in my future, never pictured having more babies in Heaven than I get to have on earth. These loves of mine beat the odds of my body, they hung on and thrived. They are truly miracles from God!!

The last year has been particularly hard on me. Timothy May 5th 2012 and Daniel May 18th 2013 both born too soon. Just over a year and I held two babies both worn straight to Jesus. Man, my heart is still broken. The anger I felt scared the CRAP out of me. My faith was so shaken I didn’t know if I could ever get through it. I made it a point to fake it until I made it. Give God all the praise and glory even if I don’t feel it because I would eventually begin to feel it again. My heart is healing, some days are still bad but I can say, believe and FEEL that God is GOOD. I hope that through these two losses, people have seen my faith, they have seen my struggles and heartbreak and can see Jesus through me. I just want to shine Jesus and I know I fail daily but it is my ultimate goal.

I talk of my life and my stories because I want people to know that when they walk through trials, they have to walk THROUGH them and keep going, let God carry them, get through and come out the other side, new, stronger, better.


From → Baby Loss, Jesus

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