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Being Still

June 17, 2013

I just dropped the kids off at VBS.

This is the first few hours that I have been alone since Daniel died.

The first few hours where I have sat down and been silent and still.

Everything kinda hits you all at once, out of nowhere.

I remember the moment I let my heart feel for Daniel, The moment that I let my guard down and just loved and enjoyed him. It was at our next to last appointment, he was doing a little show for us on the ultrasound. He was wiggling and doing flips and back bends and turns. He was so freaking cute. I let my heart love again after the pain of losing Timothy. And then two short weeks later we find out he is gone. Those wiggles and flips, the movement stopped. That strong beating heart……stopped….. that little soul…..gone from that tiny perfect body. My precious child…..gone

I wish some people could really get how that feels.

It is not something that you get over in a month and go on with life.

You go on with life and learn to live with the pain.

It never goes away.

I have FIVE children. Three of them are in Heaven. Two are here with me. But I have five babies.

I am trying to cling to hope for the future……hope to never get pregnant again, or if I do……to get to keep the baby. My heart can not bare to bury another child. A little bit of your heart gets buried with each baby you bury……and you can never get it back. It leaves you forever changed. Forever different.




From → Baby Loss

  1. I remember vividly hating my house when I lost Caleb because that was where I was alone with my thoughts. Distracting myself with projects that will hopefully lead to us bringing home a baby one day has been the only thing to ease the pain. I really hope it gets easier for you somehow. I cannot imagine losing another child.

  2. Cherie permalink

    I found your blog quite by accident. I wanted to tell you that though you never forget it gets better. I lost my first baby at term. It was tragic – that was almost 28 years ago. I have never forgotten and I feel blessed for that. I do not want to forget my child.
    2 years ago my daughter lost her first – my 1st grandchild. It was similarly painful.
    Though the circumstances were different the outcome is the same – loss.
    But how grateful I am to have a knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and for his atonement that lets me know that one day we will get these little boys back – they are still part of our family and we will be together again. This journey on earth is short. I am grateful for the sure knowledge of an eternity that follows this life. Be of good cheer and God Bless!

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