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Do’s and Don’ts in Miscarriage

June 3, 2013

I have posted this before, but with new and fresh grief I want to post it again. I know so many people mean well, but I also feel that educating people is such a helpful thing for future expierences.

Some things that you should never say to someone who just lost a baby:

YOU ARE YOUNG, YOU CAN ALWAYS HAVE ANOTHER- I got this a TON with our frost loss and hope I don’t hear it with this loss. I am young, sure, and I probably will have another someday, but I wanted this baby. I wanted Ryley and Timothy. I wanted my sons. I didn’t want to have another. I wanted him. That comment is not helpful and it doesn’t make them feel better. Dont say it!!

IT JUST WASNT MEANT TO BE- Really? How is that even helpful at all? Dont say it. It doesn’t bring healing to the person. It just brings more why’s. Why was it not meant to be? Why?

IT WAS GOD’S WILL- I was already a little ticked off at God at that point, don’t make it worse by saying this was all His will. It doesn’t make me feel better it actually makes me a little more mad. I would not see the good from my loss or His will for it all until years later. With this new loss as well

GOD HAD HIS REASONS- Why? What were they huh? Again I just don’t see that helpful in the middle of someone grief.

MAYBE YOU WERENT READY TO BE PARENTS YET- I got this comment from someone very close to me. Boy it hurt.

AT LEAST IT WAS NOT OLDER – Losing a child is devistating at any age or stage. Do not try to diminish the loss. it hurts.

This one kills me BE GRATEFUL FOR THE CHILDREN THAT YOU ALREADY HAVE – I am very grateful for Trevor and Hannah, I cherish them every single day, I thank God for them all the time, and I would have cherished Ryley and I would have cherished Timothy as well. (and Daniel)

AT LEAST YOU DIDN’T GET TO KNOW YOUR BABY- excuse me??? This child grew in my womb, I got to know him very well. I was head over heels in love with him from the start…..

HAVE FAITH or TRUST or anything along those lines really ticks me off too, I have faith and I trust completely in God BUT I still hurt and grieve and feel. That statement is not helpful in any way whatsoever!

Things to say that do help:

Sometimes nothing is the best thing, a simple hug, big bear hug

Letting them know that you have no clue what to say but you are praying

Telling them your shoulder is always open if they need a good cry

Letting them know that you are there if they ever want to talk (and not asking them questions until they are ready to talk)

Tell them you are bringing them dinner on such and such date, most likely they will not call out for help

Take the kids (if they have them) out to the park for a few hours

Know when to be silent… sometimes it is  best to say nothing at all. A grieving person may just want someone  to listen.

Be aware that grief has physical reactions   as well as emotional reactions on the body. Physical reactions include:  poor appetite, disturbed sleep patterns, restlessness, low energy, and other pains. Emotional reactions may include: panic, persistent fears, nervousness and nightmares. Encourage your friend or family   member to call you or reach out when they experience these feelings.

Understand that grief is an individual process   that is bound by no exact time frame. This frame of time involves  finding ways of living with memories and the pain associated with   the loss.

Remember that specific dates or events such  as the anniversary of the loss or the expected due date, may trigger  an emotional response. Encourage communication during this time.  Perhaps a card or small remembrance.

Last one that I can think of, DON’T FORGET DADS! They grieve and hurt too, they lost a child too and they have heartbreak too, just because they may not cry like the mother does, they are hurting, and they may need a hug or a “How are You” too.

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From → Baby Loss

4 Comments
  1. I got the “don’t worry you’ll get pregnant again soon” and “this happens all the time” and ‘It wasn’t meant to be” and “God has His reasons” a lot. I’m a Christian and the last one ticks me off, too, especially in the first couple of weeks. You know it deep down, but you don’t necessarily want to hear it blurted out in your face, like you shouldn’t be sad over it because God has a purpose in it. God knows we’re sad! He says we’ll have trials! I don’t downplay their grief when trials come into their lives, even if I don’t understand it. Just because we all know there’s a purpose in it doesn’t mean we don’t need comforting.

    I’ve learned that people really have no clue what to say if it hasn’t happened to them. Not even your mother sometimes. They just don’t know. I’m learning to forgive them for that but it still doesn’t change the fact that I have to deal with it in the moment, when all I really need is comfort. And the dad thing is so true! My husband essentially went through this alone — other than me, he had no-one to talk to. Men go through this experience silently, and they really should get it off their chest like we do.

    So sorry for your losses, but thank you for your post.

    • Thank you for your comment. It is always nice to hear that you are not the only one in situations like these……though you always wish you were the only one, this is something no one should have to go through!
      Everyone always asked my husband how I was and never how he was! Very disappointing!

  2. MovingOn permalink

    This is so true. I have heard a lot of these statements the last couple of weeks…and they don’t help. Thanks for sharing. I am sorry for your losses. It hurts a lot…. I can’t imagine dealing with it 3 times, after dealing with it these last 3 weeks for the first time. Trusting God and His plan….but that doesn’t take away the pain.

    • Trusting God doesn’t take the pain away, the pain stays forever, you just learn to get used to it and live with it and it feels lessened. So sorry for your loss!!

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