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Dear Jesus

May 31, 2013

Dear Jesus,

Here I am going to speak the truth, You know my truth anyways so why hold it back? I am scared. I am scared ……….for the decision that I need to make, scared for ever facing another pregnancy or loss again, scared of what it will do to me, my husband, our marriage, my kids and my family.

I am mad. Mad that I fully trusted You and got my heart crushed. I am mad that my logic knows that we live in a fallen world and bad things happen….. but that I still feel the need to be ticked off that You let it happen. I am mad at the doctors and the hospital and my body and oh so many things.

I am blessed, and I just need You to know that in my grief and my anger, I see my blessings and I cherish them. Even the tiny ones. I really do live a blessed life.

I am sad. I am sad that You have three of my babies that I never even got to hear cry. I am sad that I can only imagine life with them and will never get to see it but I am also grateful for the promise of Heaven and getting to see them face to face one day.

I just need peace God. I need Your peace. I need that Jesus hug that I got before. You know what one I mean. I need to feel like everything is going to be ok. It feels like we have gone through one thing after another the last several years and I just need a break. Before I break.

Thank You for loving me, thank You for hurting with me and carrying me when I crumble.

Please convey to my babies how dearly I love each and every one of them and how much I think of them and picture them and miss them.

Thank You for taking care of them

I Love You

Amen

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