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Conflicting Emotions

May 28, 2013

I have never had so many emotions all at once.

I am mad/angry/pissed at so many things….at my body for failing me….at the doctor that was so cold to me… the nurse that called my baby a specimen and as much as I hate to admit it, a little ticked at God. I begged Him not to let this happen again. I cried out to Him daily.

I am thankful ……that God loves me despite my anger…..that I have two miracle children at home with me……that I am married to Superman…..

I am relieved to be out of the hospital and have our baby laid to rest.

I am sad/heartbroken/crushed that my baby is not still healthy and growing inside of me. I should be 18 weeks today and going in for my big ultrasound.

I am disappointed that so many of our family members can’t even drop a Facebook message saying they are praying for us or sorry or anything.

I am scared …..that by some freak act of nature I get pregnant again…..and lose again. Scared for so many things I can’t list.

I am broken……seeing my kids and husband hurt so much over our losses. Over my body failing our babies. My heart breaks all over again for them.

I am hopeful that God will heal up my wounds some day.

I am trying to be patient and not rush my grief this time.

I could keep going. So many good and bad emotions all boiling over. I’m fine…..and then I am so not fine. My smile is genuine some minutes and totally fake the rest.


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