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Triggers

January 29, 2013

Gosh, I talk yesterday about how great I am doing and then today I have this sad cry lump in the back of my throat. That is just proof that grief changes every minute. 🙂 I am thankful that God has got me and He is not letting go.

I think it started last night when we watched Little House on the prairie. There was a fire in the Blind School and Mary’s baby died.

I know it is just a t.v. show……

But I could totally identify with her pain.

Anytime I see that someone has lost a baby or a child at any age, it hits me to the core.

I hate it.

While I didn’t get to see my baby alive, I had plans and hopes and dreams for him. I grieve the things that I will never see. I will miss those first steps, those first bites of real food, that first day of school, driving a car, graduating high school, getting married…..on and on.

So I identified with Mary’s pain on Little House on the prairie.

I was standing there doing the dishes and had to choke back the tears.

Darn it!!!!

I think we might make a trip out to the cemetery today.

Say “hey” to my baby and then take some pictures of the crosses there. For some weird reason taking cross pictures in cemeteries is healing for me. It makes me feel oddly better. I guess I just find peace in the cross and what Jesus did for me there. I find peace in knowing that God knows my pain in a very real and personal way.

So in this journey of grief I have been having way more good days than bad…….but every so often I run in to something that triggers a bad day…… not really bad, just a day where that empty spot in my heart aches a bit for my baby.

So I will go now and hang with my awesomeness that is Trevor and Hannah. They bring me so much joy and laughter. I can not thank God enough for them. They are amazing sweet blessings and I will go now and make them make me laugh 🙂

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From → Baby Loss, Family

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