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Never Did I Think

January 22, 2013

It is crazy growing up, you live in this bubble whether perfect or dysfunctional…. it is your bubble, you think no harm or heartbreak will even personally happen to you.

I never thought in my most horrible dreams that I would have not one but two babies die, have a thyroid cancer scare, thyroid surgery and battle with infertility off and on. I mean really?!?!

There is always someone out there worse than I am……so I truly am thankful……but sometimes I just sit back and ask God……Really????

And then I have people tell me I am strong or an inspiration or courageous…. when I feel weak, and negative and fearful. So in those comments, I see God working. I see God using my faith to encourage others and I guess if I help or encourage one person, it helps lessen the pains of life some.

I just find it so amazing how God works.

Even in those ugly moments after I lost Timothy. Those moments after I held him and said goodbye……when the world went black for a second…. when all hope just flew out the window… God was there and He was working on me and through me. I can feel it and see it now.

I miss my baby so dang much.

It has been 9 years since we lost Ryley, coming up on 10 years actually….. it has only been 8.5 months since I held my precious Timothy.

I think of all of the milestones that I am missing right now. Where he would be and what he would be doing…..

Crap. it sucks.

But God’s got that crazy peace that literally passes all understand, because when I need it, in these crazy moments, He heaps it upon me…. and when people ask me how I have gotten through I can only say that it is because of Him.

Whew.

I avoid the cemetery (where I went today) because it always reminds me of my reality.

I am the mommy to babies in Heaven.

What a painful reality.

But I can say that I couldn’t be more blessed and honored to get to be their mommy and get to keep their memory alive in our sweet family and with my blessings that I have here.

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From → Baby Loss, Family

2 Comments
  1. allisonhayes91 permalink

    You are a wonderful person<3

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