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What I Should Be Doing. Due Date Tomorrow

September 29, 2012

I should be packing a hospital bag.

I should be gearing up for my due date tomorrow.

I should be making sure the crib is all set up,

and we have all that we need.

I should be getting the car seat in the car.

I should be all nerves but so excited.

But I just sit here numb.

I do not want to be sad anymore.

I am a really happy person 95% of the time.

But my arms should be welcoming a new baby into our lives right now.

I should be preparing for many sleepless nights.

I would give anything for a million sleepless nights

if it meant that I was tending to my baby.

Tomorrow is the day.

I have to go to church tomorrow,

when I want to crawl into a hole and hide for a while.

My smile will be fake.

My heart will be raw.

I will be wishing that I was someplace else.

Anywhere else……………..

Anywhere there was no people.

No, I am not depressed.

No need to worry about me!

I have a right to be brokenhearted though,

and God is taking care of that.

But I am forever changed.

I am not the Stacy that I used to be.

I will never be that girl again.

So if I seem different, get used to the new me, good or bad, it is who I am now.

I think I am a little bit more guarded.

I am a little bit more skeptical.

I love a lot deeper.

I empathize a lot easier.

I am more precise on who I call friends.

I don’t open up my heart to but a few people. Very few.

I am a bit more anxious. Anxiety kicks my butt some days.

My reliance and rest in God is bigger than ever.

I have no patience to hear people whine.

I have a bond with other baby loss mommas, even if we don’t know each other. I know I can pour my heart out to them and they get it.

Anyways. I would love some prayers tomorrow. The day will royally suck. I already know that. I am prepared for it. I know the tears will take over my eyeballs no matter how hard I fight to kep them at bay.

I blog not needing advice…. not needing anything. I just need to get this crap off my chest. It hurts too bad to keep it there.

 

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From → Baby Loss

4 Comments
  1. Natalia Langlinais permalink

    {{{HUGS}}} and prayers!

  2. Tina Keen permalink

    I will never understand what you are going through because I’ve never experienced losing a child but my heart and prayers are with you. I pray that God heals your heart Stacy!

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