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How I am Today 4.5 months later

September 18, 2012

So September 30th is my due date, the day I should be giving birth to a live healthy newborn boy….. I will be busying myself that day. I will not be thinking that day. I have to be at church twice that day, so we will be out and about all day. We will all be together so it will be good family time.

I thought for sure that newborns would bother me after my baby died. I thought I would never want to see another baby again after losing Timothy, but I just don’t want to see another pregnant person again or hear anything about them (there is one that I am ok around, hopefully she knows who she is!). I am disappointed that I don’t get to be one of those girls that has a bunch of kids, and easy stress free pregnancies. I want a big family so bad!! I am having a hard time accepting that it just might not be in God’s plan for my life. That does not stop the disappointment though.

I am still so heartbroken, whats new though….. how can you not be after losing a baby? Life moves forward….. but that hurt is still there. You learn to cope and get used to the ache, but its always there…

I have always wanted a big family. Not 11 or 12 or anything crazy but 4 or 5 kids. Well, now I have 4, two here with me and two with Jesus. 🙂

I struggle. It is so good and freeing just trusting in God in every area of life, but it is also so hard for me. It is difficult to say “Ok God, if I never get to have another baby, I am ok with it.” I can’t quite bring myself to say that. But I know that it is all in His hands and I know that He does see the big picture when I do not. I know that He loves me and I feel Him carrying me when my heart is hurting. I feel His peace in my saddest times. I feel His love and His hope no matter what happens.

I want more babies, not to replace the ones that are with Jesus, but because they are such a gift and a blessing, they are such joy and fun. If that is not in god’s plan, either way, I CHERISH and love and adore my sweet T-Man and my Little Banana- girl. They are huge blessings, joys and silly little goof-balls!

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From → Baby Loss

6 Comments
  1. Although I’ve experienced the heartache you express through your writing, I’m not going to say that I know how you feel… I am sorry for you loss, and I pray that God will comfort you as only He can… God Bless you, your husband and your two beautiful children with peace at this difficult time. – Faith

  2. I lost a little boy in April. Today is my due date. I feel you, lady. I feel you.

    Be strong, pray on. Love from one mourning Mama to another.

  3. robind333 permalink

    I am so sorry for your loss!!! And I cannot imagine what it’s like to lose a baby…And I’m sure it’s difficult to deal with everyday life…

    But, you must keep faith!! God says to come to him with all kinds of prayers and petitions and fasting….create a petition between you and God, write it down, repeat it each day all day throughout the day….Stay strong in God and draw near to him, he will draw close to you…and when I refer to a petition, I mean basically writing a contract between you and God along with your husband. In your contract add scriptures, especially, Matthew 7:7 then add scriptures which reflect God wanting us to have children such as in Genesis where he says to be fruitful and multiply. Find scriptures which will support your case afterall that’s what a petition is…God will provide…and it will prove who he is….

    Many, many blessings to you….Robin

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