I have been in a funk with my blog. I have not had a thing to say!!
Trevor just had a birthday yesterday, the kid is NINE now. I can not believe how fast the years are flying by. He is such an amazing little guy.
I am 35 weeks pregnant.
Baby Todd is sticking and fighting and growing. I had completely given up all hope and I now see a glimmer of hope. I am still praying this miracle keeps growing and being healthy. Just a few short weeks left until I get to deliver though I am ready for him now. I am head over heels in love with this kid. Every pain is worth it. My hips hurt so bad I can barely walk sometimes, I cant sleep and have to sleep sitting upright on the couch. I cant recline or lay back, my back hurts, my feet are so swollen I cant wear shoes. Every horrible bit is so so worth it.
The doctor said we can induce July 21st, unless he decides to come sooner. So I am planning on that. I am counting the days until I get to see him.
I am really anxious. Not really scared but I just am anxious. The hospital gives me anxiety. I think I may get that from my grandpa, he gets the same way.
Anyways I spend most of my days resting on the couch, or doing school with the kids, waiting for baby to finish baking and make his entrance into the world.
May 12th 2012 we laid Timothy to rest. I thought Mothers Day would be hard because it was 2 years ago on Mothers Day but I woke up today with that cry lump in the back of my throat.
It is just something you don’t forget.
It’s like your body tells you when you come up on a loss anniversary.
You can’t help but think, remember, acknowledge…..possibly shed a tear.
I remember driving into the cemetery. I remember we were talking and doing ok, we turned the corner to the right and BAM! I lost it. I remember being mid-sentence and then just saying “it’s so small” and crying hysterically. I was not expecting that seeing the casket would hit me SO HARD. After all I went through, it was like…seeing the casket made it all real.
Mother’s Day we drove up and saw a small little hole…..
small little hole where they were placing a small little casket.
The hardest part was seeing the dirt being to fill in the hole, the hole completely covered.
My baby was gone.
So I am slightly sad today. I will be fine in a minute. All I need is a minute to be sad and remember my baby. To honor his precious life. Just give me a minute.
May is a weird month.
May 1st 2012 I was what I thought happily pregnant.
May 1st I was preparing for that big gender ultrasound, wondering if we were getting a boy or a girl.
May 1st I was clueless about what I would soon face.
I had a sinking bad feeling in my heart, but I tried to dismiss it. I tried to deny it. Tried to ignore it.
I didn’t believe that loss could strike me again.
I do not like you.
It is weird.
I am celebrating and cherishing this miracle God is growing in me, this precious baby boy
Yet I am still grieving, I am trying to honor and remember my baby boys brief short lives.
It is amazing how you can go about each day and be happy, joyous and great…….and then one day you realize that May is coming up again and you get this boulder in your stomach.
May 3rd 2012 we found out Timothy died, May 5th I held my baby boy……born straight to Jesus, May 12th we celebrated his brief life and May 13th 2012 we buried him on Mother’s Day.
Mother’s Day will never be the same.
May 16th 2013 we found out Daniel died. May 18th I held my tiny perfect boy, born straight to Jesus and May 22nd we laid him to rest.
When I talk about my babies, it is NOT negative. Pisses me off when people say that. My babies were and are not negative so me talking about them is not negative. When I talk about my babies and my losses I am validating my childrens lives. I am recognizing how much their sweet souls touched and forever changed me. When I talk about my babies it is just like you talking about your kids. Just because my babies died doesn’t make them any less important. I can talk about my babies and be sad, MISSING THEM, I can talk about my babies with joy, I can talk about my babies with PEACE in my heart. I will talk about my babies forever….. because their are my children.
So during the month of May I will be posting on facebook, and blogging and talking about my babies…. and raising awareness about baby loss and speaking my heart and if you don’t like it, bite me ;-)
May is fast approaching.
“Friends” will tell me to buck up and move on, celebrate and be cheerful.
Directly quoting someone “Stacy, WE ALL KNOW your loss. Can we now see your happiness? ”
I am insanely happy. Trevor and Hannah are amazing, my husband is my Superman. My life is crazy awesome and blessed.
I have a new life growing inside of me, he is beating the odds. I am 25 weeks and he is ALIVE.
Does that mean I can not grieve for my babies that died not so long ago?
Timothy was born too soon May 5th, it will mark 2 years since we said hello-goodbye.
Daniel was born too soon May 18th, it will be the one year mark since we said hello-goodbye to him.
I think I can still have a hard time.
It doesn’t mean that I don’t cherish my blessings.
Nothing will make the month of May easy for me, so deal with it!! I will. I have to. So let me be sad if I need to. I hate crying, but if I cry, its fine. I am allowed.
I will not tolerate anyone telling me how fast I need to grieve.
I was mad at God, angry. Furious. I felt let down and disappointed by Him.
I am not mad at him anymore.
I have peace and joy.
I have come a crap ton of a long way in this nightmare of a journey and I am doing pretty darn good!!
But I will still have a sad day and if and when it happens I wont feel bad for it any longer.
Just like today…. We did Blessed Be Your Name at church, the song that was done at Timothys memorial. The song still brings me to tears.
I cant control it.
The words have deep meaning for me, the song will forever mean something different to me than it does to everyone else.
“You give and take away, but my heart will choose to say, Lord Blessed be Your name”
“When the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say, Blessed be Your name”
The song got to me today. Got the ol’ chin quivering and that scarred heart ached.
I try to think about how crazy I would be right now had I faced two losses back to back without Jesus.
I would have no hope of Heaven, so hope to see my babies again one day, no peace.
I would have no one to carry me through my grief.
I would be a basketcase.
I would be lost.
He has forever changed me, He has never left me, even when I was so angry. He never gave up on me.
Just remember in your hard days to be real with Him, he knows your heart anyways.
Be real with Him and He will help you get back on the right path to Him.
I shot this picture yesterday evening. I do not have one picture with ALL of my babies in it.
This shot best represents me as a mother.
Ryley was the oldest, he was our first baby, born at 13 weeks gestation. We delivered him at home.
He was born March 3rd, 2004
Trevor our little miracle dude was born whole, happy and healthy June 2005
Hannah the miracle Princess was born healthy and sassy August 2006
Timothy was born at 19 weeks into my pregnancy in May 2012
Daniel was born at 16 weeks into my pregnancy in May of 2013
and I am currently pregnant with baby “Healing” due the end of July this year.
I am just in love with this picture. Through my last two losses especially, people have told me how strong I am. I never really figured out why they said that or what they meant but when I see my losses through the eyes of this picture I feel a bit stronger. I feel strength. I see crazy love. I feel proud of all of my babies. My heart doesn’t hurt as bad.
I hear this a lot. Through my losses, and reading comments about others losses.
I Don’t Believe It.
I do not believe that everything happens for a reason.
I do not believe my babies died for a reason.
I do not believe people get cancer for a reason, or get raped or killed or robbed for a reason.
Everything does not happen for a reason
God can use the bad things that do happen to grow us, to bring us closer to Him, to mold us and change us into someone better and stronger.
I don’t think God causes bad things to happen to us to teach us things. We were given free will to make our own choices that not other effect us but those around us. We live in a fallen world with sickness and disease and untimely deaths. We live in a bad world. We make bad choices. We sin. We fall short. And in turn bad things happen… job loss, stress, marriage discord, cancer, death, sickness….. it happens.
The question is
How Will you Let God Use You Through Your Trials??
Will you let Him make something good come out of it?
Will you let Him change You and grow you into something better?