May is fast approaching.
“Friends” will tell me to buck up and move on, celebrate and be cheerful.
Directly quoting someone “Stacy, WE ALL KNOW your loss. Can we now see your happiness? “
I am insanely happy. Trevor and Hannah are amazing, my husband is my Superman. My life is crazy awesome and blessed.
I have a new life growing inside of me, he is beating the odds. I am 25 weeks and he is ALIVE.
Does that mean I can not grieve for my babies that died not so long ago?
Timothy was born too soon May 5th, it will mark 2 years since we said hello-goodbye.
Daniel was born too soon May 18th, it will be the one year mark since we said hello-goodbye to him.
I think I can still have a hard time.
It doesn’t mean that I don’t cherish my blessings.
Nothing will make the month of May easy for me, so deal with it!! I will. I have to. So let me be sad if I need to. I hate crying, but if I cry, its fine. I am allowed.
I will not tolerate anyone telling me how fast I need to grieve.
I was mad at God, angry. Furious. I felt let down and disappointed by Him.
I am not mad at him anymore.
I have peace and joy.
I have come a crap ton of a long way in this nightmare of a journey and I am doing pretty darn good!!
But I will still have a sad day and if and when it happens I wont feel bad for it any longer.
Just like today…. We did Blessed Be Your Name at church, the song that was done at Timothys memorial. The song still brings me to tears.
I cant control it.
The words have deep meaning for me, the song will forever mean something different to me than it does to everyone else.
“You give and take away, but my heart will choose to say, Lord Blessed be Your name”
“When the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say, Blessed be Your name”
The song got to me today. Got the ol’ chin quivering and that scarred heart ached.
I try to think about how crazy I would be right now had I faced two losses back to back without Jesus.
I would have no hope of Heaven, so hope to see my babies again one day, no peace.
I would have no one to carry me through my grief.
I would be a basketcase.
I would be lost.
He has forever changed me, He has never left me, even when I was so angry. He never gave up on me.
Just remember in your hard days to be real with Him, he knows your heart anyways.
Be real with Him and He will help you get back on the right path to Him.
I shot this picture yesterday evening. I do not have one picture with ALL of my babies in it.
This shot best represents me as a mother.
Ryley was the oldest, he was our first baby, born at 13 weeks gestation. We delivered him at home.
He was born March 3rd, 2004
Trevor our little miracle dude was born whole, happy and healthy June 2005
Hannah the miracle Princess was born healthy and sassy August 2006
Timothy was born at 19 weeks into my pregnancy in May 2012
Daniel was born at 16 weeks into my pregnancy in May of 2013
and I am currently pregnant with baby “Healing” due the end of July this year.
I am just in love with this picture. Through my last two losses especially, people have told me how strong I am. I never really figured out why they said that or what they meant but when I see my losses through the eyes of this picture I feel a bit stronger. I feel strength. I see crazy love. I feel proud of all of my babies. My heart doesn’t hurt as bad.
I hear this a lot. Through my losses, and reading comments about others losses.
I Don’t Believe It.
I do not believe that everything happens for a reason.
I do not believe my babies died for a reason.
I do not believe people get cancer for a reason, or get raped or killed or robbed for a reason.
Everything does not happen for a reason
God can use the bad things that do happen to grow us, to bring us closer to Him, to mold us and change us into someone better and stronger.
I don’t think God causes bad things to happen to us to teach us things. We were given free will to make our own choices that not other effect us but those around us. We live in a fallen world with sickness and disease and untimely deaths. We live in a bad world. We make bad choices. We sin. We fall short. And in turn bad things happen… job loss, stress, marriage discord, cancer, death, sickness….. it happens.
The question is
How Will you Let God Use You Through Your Trials??
Will you let Him make something good come out of it?
Will you let Him change You and grow you into something better?
I was listening to Pandora the other day and Livin’ on a Prayer came on.
“Oh we’re halfway there, oh living on a prayer.
Take my hand we’ll make it I swear.
Whoa living on prayer”
I was just 20 weeks pregnant that day and half way there.
I never thought I would hit 20 weeks and I celebrate every single day that I make it past 20 weeks.
I beg God for a miracle this time around.
I have small glimmers of hope, but my wall is still up, I am still going through the grief process losing Daniel and Timothy…. Its a crazy mixture of emotions!!
This little guy is kicking and moving and I am so in love with him…..so I am taking it one minute at a time…. one second at a time….
I will be 16 weeks this Sunday-ish. 16 weeks is when we found out Daniel died. I know that doesn’t mean that this baby will die at 16 weeks but you cant help but fear that number. I have been checking babys heartbeat twice a day everyday all of this week. I cant help it. I have been begging God to keep this babys heart beating and to keep me healthy. I am doing everything I can, taking my vitamins, eating healthy, taking my supplements. I am just praying for a miracle.
I cant say everything will be fine because I don’t know that. The odds aren’t in my favor, so by asking God for one more miracle, that is exactly what I mean. Three of my babies have died, two have made it and this one needs a fighting chance.
I want to get to 20 weeks and start feeling this babe moving. Daily. Then maybe I will breathe a little but easier. I will never feel safe though and my guard will never be down. My heart has been broken too many times to let my guard down. I envy the women that have nice healthy pregnancies with not a care or a worry in the world. I wish I had that. I wish I didn’t know the sting of loss. I wish my kids didn’t know that babies died.
I have an ultrasound in the morning
First ultrasound since the last one….seeing that our babys heart stopped beating. Ultrasounds scare my. Timothys big exciting ultrasound at 19 weeks simply showed us our baby had died at the routine ultrasound check at my 16 week apt showed me that Daniel had died. I don’t like ultrasounds.
They instill anxiety in me.
I tense up, close my eyes, hold my breath and wait for the ultrasound lady to speak. Then I look.
Prayers for a peaceful heart in me tomorrow and a healthy growing baby please.
So yesterday I was 12 weeks 5 days pregnant.
It’s always weird for me, hitting that mark where I lost our first baby Ryley because I can picture this baby. Ryley was alive and gone the day we delivered him so he was 12 weeks 5 days size exactly. Perfect little fingers and toes, tiny little toe nails. Small little ears and the perfect little nose. he was a fully formed little human. He was perfect and precious. These next few weeks I will be a nervous wreck inside and begging God for a miracle.
12.5 weeks Ryley died, 16 weeks Daniel died and 19 weeks Timothy died. So naturally I fear having yet another loss in this timeframe. It is scary and no one can say different unless they have had three losses, two in a row. If you haven’t been through it, don’t tell me it will be fine!! Clearly I know it can easily NOT be fine.
I am praying for a miracle.
I am praying for this baby to be safe and healthy.
But I am being cautious.
I am guarding my heat, hopes and dreams.