How have I seen God work in my life…..more specifically my trials.
When I was 15 my grandpa died. I was crushed. It shook my world. I had been consumed with drugs and partying. I was skipping school, I was severely depressed and at one point I didn’t care if I lived or died. Through my grandpas death, I came to church, his pastor PREACHED at his funeral and the next Sunday on, I never missed a week of church and eventually got off the drugs and got my life right, God used my grandpas death to bring me to Him.
In 2004 we delivered our son Ryley born still at home. He was this perfect little boy. He was so so perfect. That was the first time I ever felt like I was going to die from a broken heart. God used my loss to use me to show God’s love to other hurting mommas. I joined so many forums online and just shared Him all over. I sent Bibles to women with helpful verses highlights. Even in my anger I still tried to just glorify Him. There was one point I was so distraught and just cried out to God……. I just needed to feel His peace, to feel His arms around me and at that moment my heart stilled, a wave washed over me, I felt His arms literally holding me and peace flooded my soul. I speak of that moment often to hurting mommas. I pray for them to have the same moment.
May of 2004 I had a cancer scare that shook my world again. Hearing the C word is enough to kick your feet out from under you. Turned out to be an autoimmune disease and not cancer. Now with 1/3 of a thyroid, I began to heal physical wounds while still trying to heal the emotional ones…. But I was able to connect with other women that suffered from the same issues. I joined a new community of people.
In 2005 and 2006 I delivered Trevor and Hannah, I got to witness God give me two MIRACLES. I never would have pictured losing more babies in my future, never pictured having more babies in Heaven than I get to have on earth. These loves of mine beat the odds of my body, they hung on and thrived. They are truly miracles from God!!
The last year has been particularly hard on me. Timothy May 5th 2012 and Daniel May 18th 2013 both born too soon. Just over a year and I held two babies both worn straight to Jesus. Man, my heart is still broken. The anger I felt scared the CRAP out of me. My faith was so shaken I didn’t know if I could ever get through it. I made it a point to fake it until I made it. Give God all the praise and glory even if I don’t feel it because I would eventually begin to feel it again. My heart is healing, some days are still bad but I can say, believe and FEEL that God is GOOD. I hope that through these two losses, people have seen my faith, they have seen my struggles and heartbreak and can see Jesus through me. I just want to shine Jesus and I know I fail daily but it is my ultimate goal.
I talk of my life and my stories because I want people to know that when they walk through trials, they have to walk THROUGH them and keep going, let God carry them, get through and come out the other side, new, stronger, better.
I go about life fine and dandy.
I have worked through my trials, I have struggled with my faith and worked through that.
I can talk about my trials with a weird sense of peace.
Life is good.
And then one moment happens
Out of the blue
You don’t expect it
and it hurts.
This time it was baby dedication weekend at New Hope Church.
This is the one we should be bringing Daniel to had he been born alive and well.
We should be standing up there.
We should be dedicating our baby.
We should be feeling that joy and excitement.
But I just sit here and hide all the pictures from my newsfeed.
I delete people.
I crawl in a hole
I like my hole.
It protects my heart.
I will go back to being fine and well again real quick but for the moment…. it sucks. Sometimes Im still just pissed at my circumstances and hold no hope for another baby in my future. I count my blessings, enjoy every moment, live every second to the fullest. Life is short and I want to have no regrets. My Heaven babies taught me that.
I have looked into programs that will help with funeral costs for families that have miscarried a baby and want to give the child a proper burial.
There is next to nothing!
98% of the programs out there are for babies born past 20-24 weeks gestation.
I had my babies at 13, 16 and 19 weeks gestation.
Somehow society and even some baby loss mommas do not see that as a life yet or something? How is it that a baby born at 19 weeks is worthy of help for a burial but my babies were not. I am thankful we were able to pay for it and get it done, but there are families out there that cannot afford it. There are families that have to let the hospital dispose of their baby simply because it is so expensive to bury them. For a plot alone it was $500. That doesn’t include a memorial service, burial, grave marker or all of the added fees in those. Burying a baby can cost from $2,000-$3,000.
Well God has not laid it on my heart to start an organization to help babies from all gestations, there should be more!
I sew and crochet baby things for the tiniest babies all the way up to stillborn full term babies. All of the babies are lives, precious and important!
I want to love Texas and I try everyday. I do not like it one bit. You know……the only reason I love it? My amazing husband and kids are here. They make life fantastic no matter where we live. We will be here forever, and as much and I miss the things I hated in the PNW, I can find happiness here because my precious people are here. I don’t have to like Texas to love my life. God led us here and blessed my husband with a great full-time business here, we can’t just throw that away on a whim to move back north. No matter how much I want to.
So here we stay.
Texas is ugly. Where I live is anyways.
I have to find beauty in the sky, in the tiny little flowers and the weird crazy trees. Otherwise I don’t find beauty in the flat open area of Texas that I call home. The tiny details of beauty help hold my sanity. lol
I have struggled with hating Texas for a while now. I wanted to move home so bad it started causing some issues between me and my husband but God helped me fix that attitude. I am thankful for the security and blessings He has given us here, and if He ever wants us to move back I gather that He would make it largely obvious to Matthew and his business.
So I think nomadism is in my blood. I want to move. I like to move. I start getting down in the dumps when I stay in one town or state for too long.
I have moved a lot my whole life. As much as I hated starting new schools I always enjoyed moving. I thought I wanted to settle down and establish roots somewhere but I think I was wrong. I would love to have Matthew leading worship again and moving around every few years. But he doesn’t want that. I totally understand it. But it also doesn’t change how I feel. I am itching to break free. I want to move to a new state and a new climate. A new job and house and town. I crave it. Maybe I am too free spirited. I don’t know.
I am thankful for the life I have here. I am thankful for the financial security and the stability but I crave movement.
Just had to get that out. I know if we ever move God would have to lead Matthew. So I am just sitting back, praying and keeping my mouth shut! I don’t want to get in the way of Gods plan with my own agenda.
I don’t know what we would have done if the kids were in public school when we lost our babies.
May 2012 and May 2013 we had two huge losses and all of us were out of sorts for a while
In public school, the kids would get docked and risk failing if they miss too many day, at home we all took a month off and were able to come together and stay together and heal together. I cant imagine having to send my broken hearted babies off to school so that they don’t miss too many days.
They were able to cry, zone out, play, sit, sleep, and do whatever they needed t and we were able to slowly work our way back into school.
I would never judge someone for putting their kid in public school but I am thankful that I get my babies home with me.
Another perk is mini vacations during the school year, everyone is home and we get to visit place crowd free!! Its lovely!