I will be 16 weeks this Sunday-ish. 16 weeks is when we found out Daniel died. I know that doesn’t mean that this baby will die at 16 weeks but you cant help but fear that number. I have been checking babys heartbeat twice a day everyday all of this week. I cant help it. I have been begging God to keep this babys heart beating and to keep me healthy. I am doing everything I can, taking my vitamins, eating healthy, taking my supplements. I am just praying for a miracle.
I cant say everything will be fine because I don’t know that. The odds aren’t in my favor, so by asking God for one more miracle, that is exactly what I mean. Three of my babies have died, two have made it and this one needs a fighting chance.
I want to get to 20 weeks and start feeling this babe moving. Daily. Then maybe I will breathe a little but easier. I will never feel safe though and my guard will never be down. My heart has been broken too many times to let my guard down. I envy the women that have nice healthy pregnancies with not a care or a worry in the world. I wish I had that. I wish I didn’t know the sting of loss. I wish my kids didn’t know that babies died.
I have an ultrasound in the morning
First ultrasound since the last one….seeing that our babys heart stopped beating. Ultrasounds scare my. Timothys big exciting ultrasound at 19 weeks simply showed us our baby had died at the routine ultrasound check at my 16 week apt showed me that Daniel had died. I don’t like ultrasounds.
They instill anxiety in me.
I tense up, close my eyes, hold my breath and wait for the ultrasound lady to speak. Then I look.
Prayers for a peaceful heart in me tomorrow and a healthy growing baby please.
So yesterday I was 12 weeks 5 days pregnant.
It’s always weird for me, hitting that mark where I lost our first baby Ryley because I can picture this baby. Ryley was alive and gone the day we delivered him so he was 12 weeks 5 days size exactly. Perfect little fingers and toes, tiny little toe nails. Small little ears and the perfect little nose. he was a fully formed little human. He was perfect and precious. These next few weeks I will be a nervous wreck inside and begging God for a miracle.
12.5 weeks Ryley died, 16 weeks Daniel died and 19 weeks Timothy died. So naturally I fear having yet another loss in this timeframe. It is scary and no one can say different unless they have had three losses, two in a row. If you haven’t been through it, don’t tell me it will be fine!! Clearly I know it can easily NOT be fine.
I am praying for a miracle.
I am praying for this baby to be safe and healthy.
But I am being cautious.
I am guarding my heat, hopes and dreams.
I wish I could write a review to them or something I am so angry.
With my thyroid disease I have been trying so hard to eat a modified paleo diet. I fail because I am pregnant and sometimes just have to eat what I can get to so I don’t get sick, but I always suffer when I eat something bad.
I try to be soy, dairy, sugar, gluten and grain free and I always try to avoid gmo’s
So I took this one hour glucose test. Didn’t know I had to take it, I stress ate a horrible breakfast and didn’t pass the glucose test. Now after researching it and learning it is corn and gmo corn at that, I don’t want to do the 3 hour test. I told them that I have reactions when I eat corn but they said they can not offer me any other options. IF I was allergic to corn then they could find another option though. What does allergic mean to them? My throat has to close up? I get puffy and swollen and my stomach gets really upset when I have corn. How is that not an allergy? But its not severe enough they wont give me another option to check my glucose.
They guilt me and try to make me feel like a bad mom but I just cant do it. I cant take the three hour glucose test. I have never had glucose issues and this is my sixth pregnancy. They are focusing so much on this glucose and not paying attention to my THYROID, the whole reason for my losses, my dosage needs to be adjusted and they wont do it. This place is evil and horrible and I do not know how they can call themselves doctors. It just makes me mad. Pisses me off.
Obamacare is making it so hard to get fully approved for state insurance and I cant look for a new doctor until that goes through. So I am stuck in this crap hole praying that this baby doesn’t die too. I feel angry and helpless.
So in part of 2013 and all of 2013 I started a photo project. I wanted to use my photography for healing. I wanted to take pictures of something that would remind me that God knew my pain and that I was not alone in my grief so I started taking pictures of crosses. Here is a small portion of what I captured last year. It was quite a healing journey for me. Crosses and sunset were good stuff for my soul. I will post the sunsets in another blog this week.
I have a hard time accepting congratulations from people. Not because I am unhappy about being pregnant. I think mostly because my pregnancies are not like normal people. My pregnancies are not filled with joy and excitement and hope for the future. My pregnancies are filled with worries and what if’s. My pregnancies are filled with extra doctors appointments and extra blood work. My pregnancies are filled with fear wondering if that ache or pain was my baby’s last breath.
So if you congratulate me and I don’t seem thrilled don’t take it the wrong way. I am thrilled that God chose to create new life in me. New life if a miraculous thing. Hearing my baby’s heart beating was the purest sweetest most perfect sound. For those ten seconds all was right in the world. Then the next two weeks until I go to the doctors again worry me. So we bought a fetal heart Doppler. It should be coming in the mail this week. It is a good one too so hopefully that can offer me some peace of mind. I hope it can calm my nerves. Dear God please keep this baby alive and safe. I cant bare the thought of another loss.
Anyways my point of this blog is to say that congratulations is hard for me to excitedly accept.
Not because I am ungrateful or rude.
But because of my past circumstances.
But letting me know that you are praying for me means the world! I appreciate and covet that.
I have been pregnant after a loss a few times now. Let me just say it does not get any easier. The thing is, with Ryley, I started bleeding horribly at 9 weeks until he died at 13 weeks. So when I was pregnant with Trevor I was always worried that I would start bleeding again.
Then I got pregnant with Hannah right away almost and I let me guard down a little bit more.
Then we waited five years and got pregnant with Timothy and my guard was down. I didn’t think I would have another loss. The little guy just died. No bleeding, no cramping, nothing to alert me that he was gone. So when I got pregnant with Daniel the fear and anxiety consumed me. I didn’t have bleeding to look for. Sometimes my babies just die quietly apparently. Then at his 16 week appointment, the doctor told us that he did the same thing as Timothy. Just left us. Quietly. He was here and then gone so fast.
So, how can I sit here and have peace. I am 11 weeks 6 days pregnant after two looses in a row and I have peace. Now listen …..im not saying I have peace that everything will work out fine. That would be ignorant. My body is flawed. Don’t tell me it’s not. An unflawed body wouldn’t lost three babies. My body is flawed and I have accepted that. So I don’t know when I will get to hold this baby. I have peace that however this turns out, Matthew and I will band together and hold Trevor and Hannah even tighter and get through life. I pray daily that we will be holding a healthy newborn at the end of July. I cry and I beg God. Daily. But He knows that I will survive no matter what and therein lies the peace.
So yes I worry about this baby, I have horrible anxiety, I fear, I stress, I have little panic attacks before I go to the doctor. I can’t help it. But what balances it all out is His beautiful peace.