I am not sure what to even feel right now. May 5th 2012 our sweet Timothy died and now May 18th 2013 I deliver little Daniel. Just over one year apart. I didn’t even get through grieving Timothy and now I have to go and bury another baby. It just feel cruel and mean.
I don’t get it and I may never get it.
Matthew and I have been cautious this whole pregnancy, we didn’t tell many people. We were guarding our hearts because we know what could happen. We went to the doctors twice a month and got an ultrasound and got to see our little gummy bear moving and growing. The first thing i always looked for was the good strong heartbeat. The doctors tried to calm my nerves and assure me that all looked really well, but that did not ease my mind.
Before my 16 week appointment, Matthew changed. He was worried. I saw it is his eyes. I knew the worry and dread feeling because I had it myself. God slightly prepared us I think. We went in to my 16 week appointment with fear. The doctor came in all happy and bubbly and asked how I was and if I had any questions. I told her that I have great anxiety this appointment and I just want to check my baby now. I knew he was gone the minute she put the ultrasound wand on my stomach. She usually was quick to say “Look at your little babe!” and this time she was silent.
I went hysterical, Matthew embraced me and we cried for a good while together. In the midst of our tears we hear Trevor say “Looks like another funeral”
My kids were unphased.
My kids shouldn’t know that babies die.
I think that’s what makes me the most angry. I think they had to grow up too fast. No little ones should know that babies die. It is wrong.
We got to leave the hospital out the back door. I was thankful that people wouldn’t be staring at my tear streaked face. I was a mess.
We went home, found childcare for the kids and were at the hospital by 4:30pm checking in.
We waited in the waiting room with pregnant women checking in to give birth and one annoying loud lady that couldn’t control her kids and made my blood pressure rise.
Quite a bit later we got taken back to triage. A cold small room with a hard bed. When the doctor finally came in they did one last check for a heartbeat and just confirmed again that my baby was dead. Then they gave me the medicine to hopefully get labor moving.
Now here is the shitty thing. (sorry for the swear word) But because I wasnt far enough along, I could not be on the labor and delivery floor. My baby was referred to as a specimen more than one time by more than one person. I was booted up to another floor in a crappy room with crappy care when we first got there. The doctor that came in first was rude. She leaned on the counter all the way across the room from me. She answered my questions with one word answers and she was a totally cold, uncaring jerk. I was shocked to find out that she was a 4th year resident. The interns that later came in were amazing and I hope they never get as cold as this lady was. The nurse that I had with the stupid doctor was not good either. She was nice and all but she did not have a lot of skill. She went to put my IV in and blew a vein. She blamed it on me being dehydrated. (me who drinks buckets of water) and then she tried another vein and blew that. It hurts freaking bad when that happens!! Let me tell ya! So she had to go get an ICU nurse to come and place the IV.
Then we sat and waited and waited for some progress in my labor. My days are blurry because that morphine button was my friend. I kept pushing it as often as I could.
Saturday at 1:38pm I finally delivered my baby. I waited all night Thursday and all day and night Friday and all morning Saturday. It was torture and horrible. I felt like I was going crazy, sitting there laboring, waiting for my dead child to be born. But there he was after all that time and several doses of the meds. They were almost going to give me a d&c to get him out. I was thankful that he was born whole. He looked perfect. He had a perfect little nose, and tiny perfect little fingers and toes. He was perfect in every way.
The trouble was now that all of the placenta did not come out. They took me into another room and tried to scrape it out. Can I just say HELL. It was the most horrible pain of my life. I probably bit my lip so hard that I bled. I just was thankful to have my husband’s hand to squeeze and his perfect voice in my ear telling me to breathe and that I was doing so good. I would not have survived without him. Anyways after that torture they still couldn’t get that placenta out. So we waited and got more meds to see if it would come out by morning and it did not.
So Sunday morning I went to for a d&c. I sat in the waiting area and then got wheeled back to the operating room. It was really scary. It is always scary going under anesthesia. They put the breathing mask over my face and I was out. I woke up crying. I don’t remember why or anything. i just remember tears rolling down my face. Matthew said that the doctor came out and said I was very emotional in there. I don’t know what was up. I woke up and felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was hacking and coughing and my throat hurt. I woke up though and got to see my sweet mans face.
We got wheeled back to my room and waited a bit. Matthew had to leave for a job that he couldn’t cancel and then he went to pick up our kids and by 6:30pm I was going home.
Now I know I left a lot of things out, but like i said it was all such a blur for me. A horrible nightmare of a blur.
One thing that will always stick in my mind was the nurse Roselyn. She was sent from God. I get teary eyed thinking about her. She was on the weekend day shift. I got her from 7am to 7pm. She had lost babies herself and she was so tender-hearted and compassionate. She talked with us and was just so sweet and supportive. The day I was leaving she ran in and hugged me. Just the sweetest nurse ever. I hope she goes on the become a doctor because she was amazing.
Anyways. I have so many feelings right now, I am on overload and am numb. I am shocked and numb and mad and sad. I will blog and post whatever I need to when ever I need to in order to get through this with my sanity and my faith still in tact. I am not wallowing in my grief. I know other people grieve too. I am not depressed. I am not any of the stupid things people have already said to me. I held my dead baby just a few short days ago and I have a right to be sad if I want to and I have a right to…..well……do whatever I want to. I will not have anyone telling me how to grieve or that I shouldnt grieve and I should choose to move on (i was told that while i was still sitting in my hospital bed….) I don’t need people to respond to what I write. I am not looking for sympathy or words or anything I am just looking to get crap off of my chest and this is how I choose to do it! I will soon have two boys buried right next to each other and it kills me…..so just let me be!
I facebooked this too but please no pity stares or anything. I don’t need pity. I need a hug. And please don’t be nervous to talk about a baby around me, or being pregnant or anything like that. It doesn’t bother me. I love babies. Now dont while about your kids around me. That will bother me. Dont ever whine about your kids, they are a blessing and you should cherish every second with them, even the hard ones. You never know what kind of crappy curveballs life will throw your way. Cherish each and every second. Put your phone down, get off the computer and love on your kids.
Mothers day is supposed to be a day of celebration.
A day when hearts are full.
I usually don’t let things bother me, but I feel heavy with heartbreak today.
Today and tomorrow will be a challenge.
I just can’t get that tiny little casket out of my head.
I can’t get Timothy’s tiny little toes out of my mind.
I’ve worked through a lot.
I have accepted a lot.
My heart has healed a lot.
But this weekend still hurts.
One year ago we had the memorial service. One year ago on moms special day, this momma laid her baby in the ground.
I don’t want sympathy.
I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me.
I don’t want to be that mom that has had babies die.
I just want to be able to have a bad day and it be OK.
I want people to look past my sad/bad day and see Jesus in my life.
Just remember on Mother’s day to recognize and think about moms that hurt on this day. This weekend sucks for me and no words can make it better. Every mom wants all of her kids with her. Some moms don’t get that.
If you know a mom that has lost her very first baby, recognize her as still being a mom and hug her, say her child’s name.
If you know a mom that has lost a child at any age, give them extra love this weekend because their heart is probably raw.
So the one year agos suck. We check in to the hospital one year ago today.
I had the head desk lady bring me some breastfeeding pamphlets, just to add salt to my wounds. I wish she would have read the note in my file that my baby was dead.
They induced labor and I upped the morphine every time it would let me.
So many details that I want to forget.
The one thing that sticks in my mind in Matthew reminding me to BREATHE.
Breathe, such a simple thing to do, but I needed to be reminded.
Tomorrow is one year since I held my baby.
One year since I said hello.
One year since I said goodbye.
We are going to bbq, have an un-birthday and go have ice cream at the cemetery.
I am thankful to have my amazing dad here during this time.
He keeps making me smile and giving me big hugs.
I love him so much.
I really think I have the best dad in the world.
So I am glad that I have him here to cheer me up!
I am in dread. This time last year I thought I was pregnant with a live baby. I was gearing up for my big ultrasound. I wanted to be excited. But I was clothed in fear. I thought I was just being hormonal and unreasonable but May 3rd my fear was confirmed. Our big amazing ultrasound turned into hearts broken and dreams for this new life shattered. May 4th I check into the hospital and May 5th I held my baby. My lifeless son. Far too soon. I may have a hard time this coming month……I’m not depressed. I don’t need anything. Just the freedom to have a sad month. That’s a fair request right? I will probably blog a lot. Probably a few sad things. I’m great 99.5% of the time. The other .5% of the time I think I have the right to be sad!! Today is one of those days. I can’t wait until my dad gets here so I can hug him.
I am such an introvert. I have gone to the women’s event at church every year for four years. I have gone alone and sat alone every year. I was almost going to get down about that and then I stopped and realized that I might be weird. I am quite content being alone and sitting alone. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Now it would be nice to have friends…..ones that say hey let’s meet up and sit together, but I don’t have friends like that! All in all I’m pretty content sitting alone. I’m often lost in my own thoughts anyways. If I sat with anyone I would have to pretend like I am good at conversation which I am not!
I have not blogged in quite a bit.
I have been keeping myself busy, too busy, so I have not even had time to sit down and gather my thoughts.
I watched Dr. Phil yesterday and it made me thankful for my life and how it has turned out. This lady and her husband lost a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth AND an infant death and then their two year old was molested by a family member. They marriage was hanging on by a thread. She wanted him to grieve like she was grieving and to talk about it and cry, etc and he wanted to shove it down and be strong and try to move forward. I see this happen so often in relationships that have had loss. The fights that happen are often because the woman thinks the man doesn’t care as much as she does. She thinks how he is grieving is wrong. I have been through two big losses and I have accepted how Matthew grieves and he has accepted how i grieve. I think that is one reason we have never fought in the midst of trials because we both respect how the other copes.
I have seen too many marriages fall apart over loss and it breaks my heart.
But it makes me so thankful for what I have. My sweet husband is the most amazing man ever. He is my Superman. Always will be. My kids will see a picture of Superman in a magazine or something and say “Hey, there is daddy!!!!” So he is their Superman now too.
On another note, build your husbands up ladies!!!! If you appreciate something about your man, TELL HIM!!! I try to tell Matthew daily how amazing he is to me, because he really amazes me daily, if I am thinking it, I might as well tell him and bless him right?? Speak life giving words to your man, don’t nag. Dont have to always have things go your way or be done your way.
Ok that is it for now